Not long ago, someone I know and love called off their engagement. They'd been together a couple of years and are employed, functional and thoughtful people. They just weren't the right match.
I'll spare the rest of the details, but suffice it to say it was significantly painful for all involved. The wedding day was pretty close. Now there are gifts to return, living arrangements to re-arrange and broken hearst to slowly mend, his and hers.
Still, you have to give them credit. It would have been worse if the wedding had happened and then they decided the relationship was over. Better not to get the lawyers invovled, one friend said.
As for the couple, I'd asked them before about pre-marital counseling. They did it, one said, but wished aloud the counseling could have started earlier. I wish we'd had counseling before we got engaged, one said.
As a pastor, I've led more than a dozen couples through pre-marital counseling using a curriculum called "Prepare-Enrich." It's pretty good, though when a couple comes in with an engagement ring and a white dress hanging in the closet, the counseling often feels like an after-thought.
I've often thought about doing "pre-engagement" counseling. Or maybe a class. It's over-looked and needed. Here's my question: who really teaches us, as young adults, how to have healthy relationships?
Some of us learn from our parents. Now I love my parents, but there are plenty of things I'm not about to copy (at least on purpose) in my own marriage. Marriage counseling helped me see this, but at that point I'd already decided to wed Erik, come hell or high water.
Perhaps we learn about marriage from watching other couples, from our extended families or from TV, movies and books. These may not be the most helpful places to learn about everlasting love. It's not all roses and champagne, as anyone who's been married for 10 seconds knows all too well.
Beyond marriage, how do we even learn how to have healthy dating relationships? Healthy friendships? Healthy boundaries? Healthy sexuality?
A few years ago, some Lutheran clergy in town decided this was important and tackled it on the middle school level. We held a middle school relationship retreat, which we've held every two years. The point isn't just to talk about sex (no condoms on bananas here) but to talk about what makes a relationship healthy. The topic of sex and bodies does come up, but it's in the context of healthy relationships. God wants us to be in healthy, mutual relationships, where we care for the other as part of the body of Christ. Not so easy to love one another as Christ loved you when you abuse someone or use them for sex! The ELCA's study on human sexuality and the use of Galatians (care for the neighbor) informed some of our work.
The retreats were good, but I keep wishing there was more we could do. I sometimes see high school youth and young adults from Central posting things on Facebook about relationships and I just want to take them under my wing and share something of what my faith and life has taught me. Like it's okay to set boundaries and you don't owe anyone anything, especially when it comes to your own body.
Sometimes, our own discomfort as adults with the topic of sex makes it hard to talk about. This has gotten easier for me. Of note: my first year at Central, I spent a week in Confirmation teaching about each of the 10 commandments. After my lecture on the 6th commandment (thou shalt not commit adultery) I was so vague that a young boy named Jack raised his hand and said, "Pastor Lisa, I have no idea what you are talking about."
Last year in Confirmation class, I borrowed an idea from a pastor friend: I pulled out a tube of toothpaste, squirted it into a cup and passed it around. Whilst doing this, I said, "This toothpaste is like your sexuality. (Every eye was glued on me now). How is toothpaste intended to be used? From the tube. Does it work when you scrape it out of the cup? Yes, but it's not the way it was intended. How is sexuality meant to be used, ideally? In a committed relationship? Does it work other ways? Sure, but it's not the way God intended."
At least 10 students were blushing by the time I'd finished. One told me the next week she couldn't look at toothpaste the same again. Okay, I might have blushed a little, too.
It's a start, anyway. But there's so much more to be taught and learned, throughout our lives.
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